Move Bitch– Ludacris
When you and your boys go out to the clubs, take a lesson from Ludacris when it comes to getting a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T out on the dance floor. If some stupid ass motherfucker gets in your way, take one out of Luda’s playbook, tell the bitch to get the fuck out of the way, and then break a $500 bottle of Cristal over the asshole’s head. Then get the fuck out of the way and sit back as an all-out bar brawl breaks out around you. Feel free to take on the security guards too, because after all, they’re nothing more than a bunch of oversized apes with the IQ of that kid with Downs serving you fries at McDonalds.
Bling Bling – B.G.
If you want to have the baller lifestyle that you have wet dreams about, the key is to wear as much gold and diamond jewelry as possible. Your skinny white ass should, at a minimum, have several gold medallions, more carats on your knuckles than a Hamptons socialite, perhaps a gold toof’, and definitely 22-inch gold rims on your leased Escalade. Because you see, when you have lots of gold and diamonds, people assume you have a lot of money. Especially the ladies. It’ll be enough to make them forget for at least one night that you have the social skills of a flea, not to mention the fact that you look like that no-talent hack from Chili Peppers.
California Love – 2Pac
The key to the good life is to get your lazy ass off the couch in your Mom’s basement, pack up the Kia, and drive west until you hit the Pacific. It doesn’t matter whether you end up in San Francisco or San Diego, or even the LBC for that matter. Once you’re in Cali, it’s time to get yo’ muthafuckin party on. And since everyone thinks California is where it’s at, all of your hamburger flipping buddies back in Buttfuck, Iowa will think youse a true playa. In reality, California is an overpriced shithole where even a 1982 vintage condo will set you back 400k, even after the subprime mortgage crash. While there are certainly a decent number of good looking hoes, as 2Pac was fond of saying, they’re mostly out of your league champ, so take a number.
We Be Clubbin – Ice Cube
So let’s say you make it all the way out to LA, and are living in an overpriced shitbag studio apartment. Now what? I say throw on your best shit from Structure, put a little pomade in your hair, and make your way down to the clubbz. That’s where the ladies are at after all, if you’re to believe what Ice Cube is saying. Listen carefully though, because Cube is trying to tell you that unless you have the cash to blow on VIP and coke parties at the Marriott, you might as well just get obliterated at the bar and drive your ’91 BMW into a parked cop car on the drive home.
Hoochie Mama – 2 Live Crew
Well shit, Skippy. You finally did something right. You managed to get that girl’s number. Congratu-fuckin-lations. Now what? Listen to this song, and you’ll quickly understand that most likely that girl is nothing more than a tricked out skank who was busy blowing your buddy last week out behind the dumpster. You probably don’t care though, since the last time you got laid was at a frat party sophomore year when you convinced that Wildebeast with a mustache that you really did have a fish aquarium back in your pathetic excuse for a dorm room.
It Takes Two – Rob Base
Yep, that’s right. It does take two. Two to do what, you ask? Fuck if I know, but if I took a wild guess, I’d say that it takes two people to fuck. And two people to fuck without a condom. Which is probably what your drunk ass is doing after picking up that Hoochie Mama at the club. Enjoy forking over half your paycheck for the next eighteen years for a kid you will likely see twice a year at a court supervised Chuck-E-Cheese visit.
Pimpin’ All Over the World – Ludacris
If you’re lucky and won the lotto or happen to have a trust fund, take Chris Bridges’ advice, get your ignorant ass a passport, and hit the road. Not only will you have a friggin’ blast, but you’ll get laid doing it. As always, make sure you go VIP and drink plenty of Cristal and high-end vodka. The ladies really love it when you do this. They can get drunk for free. More importantly, it will make them forget that your breath literally smells like shit and your face is more pockmarked than those poor fuckers on Proactiv commercials.
Slow Motion – Juvenile
If you want to have the ladies keep coming back for more of your little fella, listen to a guy who calls himself Juvenile, and work it nice and slow. Kind of like slow motion on a VCR. Not only will this keep you from blowing your pathetic wad in 30 seconds, but you won’t look like a skinny white jackhammer pounding away on a blowup doll. Listen to the brotha on this one.
Yeaah – Usher
I really have no effen idea what this song is about other than the fact I used hear it at least twice at night every time I went clubbing in Vegas, but it sure does sound good, doesn’t it? The song that is. Not the clubbing. In fact, just using the word “clubbing” makes me want to kick my own ass. But I disgress... Listen to the guy who sleeps strapped to his Abdominizer. You might soon be saying "Yeaaah" too.
Pass the Courvoiser – Busta Rhymes
Drinking Cristal got you down? In need of something with a little more kick than Belvedere? Well shit son, you’re in luck. Get your ass a bottle of this shit, fork out some cash for the VIP (because only the playas and ballas go VI muthafuckin P), and get ready to have shit happen. Drink too much of it, and get ready to shit your pants after you pass out in the lap of that transvestite you picked up in front of Jack in the Box.